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Loving Jagger Page 3
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“She’s hot,” he mouths to her.
She looks back at me.
“Is she?”
“You’re such a fucking asshole,” I say, pissed.
Why does he have to be such an ass and drag me in the middle of this shit? I don’t want to hurt Diana, and yet he has no problem doing it.
“She fucking is,” he says, grinning, and I’d like nothing better than to shove my fist in his mouth.
“Anyway, I’m glad you’re home,” I say, trying to keep the topic on track. “How long are you gonna be here?” I ask.
“I came for his birthday party,” she says, motioning to her brother. “Are you going to DJ?”
She turns her eyes to me. Soft and melancholic. Yeah, she still has a crush on me.
“Yes, he is,” Braxton says, curling his arm around my shoulders, giving me a tight hug.
I push him away, laughing.
“You need to get laid, man. Get the fuck away from me...”
“Don’t worry about my dick,” he says, a smile tugging at his lips.
“Okay then... I should go,” Diana says as the conversation hits a new low.
She gives me a soft kiss on my cheek, waves at me, and vanishes inside the house. My eyes linger on her as she struts away. As soon as she’s out of earshot, he opens his mouth.
“She can’t fucking stop talking about you,” he says.
“What do you mean?” I ask, distracted, as I check my phone.
“She didn’t come back for me. She’s here for you,” he says, serious.
“What the hell are you saying?” I mumble absently as I call Violet.
“She’s obsessed with you. I thought she’d fuck someone new and get over you.”
“She’ll get over me...” I murmur, my focus shifting away from him completely.
I glance to the food tables and scan the crowd. A bad feeling spreads through my blood.
“Fuck,” I growl.
“What happened?” Braxton asks.
I send a couple of text messages. I call again. The call goes straight to her voicemail.
Me: Violet? Baby? Where are you? Call me.
Braxton's eyes stay on mine.
“Fuck. Fuck...”
“What is it, Jagger?”
“When was the last time you saw her?”
He shrugs.
“I don’t know. A half hour ago.”
“Where was she?”
“At that table.”
He points to the food table, a straight line from where we stand, not that far from us.
“Oh, shit!”
I shove my hand into my pocket and come out empty handed. I run both hands through my hair.
“Fuck! I’m such an idiot.”
“What the fuck is going on?”
“She took my car. I need a ride,” I say curtly.
“Okay.”
His hand slides to my back.
“You okay?”
“Take me home.”
We rush to his Corvette. The moment he swerves onto the road, the bad sensation that’s been flowing through me for the last few minutes or so turns into a dreadful feeling. My blood draws out of my face, my fist crashing into the board.
I’m cursing and growling like a madman.
“Chill, man. It can’t be that bad.”
“She left me. She fucking left me,” I say, running my hand over my face. “I can’t fucking believe it.”
“Why would you say that? Maybe she’s waiting for you at your place.”
I slowly shake my head and look out the window.
“She saw her...”
“What are you talking about?”
“She saw Diana.”
“So?”
“You don’t understand...”
“No... I really don’t.” Anger races through me. “Jesus, man, you really fell for her. I’ve never seen you like that. Why would she leave? It can’t be because of my sister. ”
“She saw more than that... And it’s my fucking fault.”
His hand grips my shoulder.
“Don’t lose your fucking head, man. It looks like you need it. I don’t know much about women, other than how to fuck them, but losing your cool will do you no good.”
I look at him, his eyes darting between the road and me.
“Nothing works with her, Braxton. I can’t play any games. The truth is the only thing that works, but now she knows it...”
“She knows what?”
“She saw how Diana looked at me, and how flattered I was. It was not hard to figure out the rest. I told her you’re my best friend, so she knows Diana’s not gonna go away, and that’s exactly what she fears.”
“Why would she fear that?”
He pauses for a moment and looks at me.
“Do you want... Diana?”
“You know what I want, but I have no way to convince her right now, and she’d rather cut me loose instead of dragging it to find out... She’s older than me, Braxton...”
“As in...? What? Twenty-three?”
“She’s almost twenty-five... “
“Fuck. She looks way younger, especially when she’s in your bed,” he says, jokingly, but his words make me sick to my stomach.
His smile drops, shot.
“Then tell her the truth...” he says after a few moments of silence.
I glance at him.
“What do you mean?”
“About Diana... Listen, she’s my sister, and I love her, and I know you love her too, but we both know you’re not the man for her. She’s a fucking princess, and she’ll need a man to treat her like one, not only now, but all her life. I’m not saying you would treat her badly. All I’m saying is, she’ll never be the kind of woman Violet is. She’d suck you dry, and I don’t mean below the waist. She really needs someone to satisfy all her whims. Right now she’s fixated on your dick, and I can’t blame her, but the only reason she’s like that, is because she can’t have you.”
My lips curve into a sad smile.
“That’s a lot to tell...”
“Well, the way I see it, you have nothing to lose,” he says as he steers the wheel and pulls to a stop in front of my house.
I jump out of the car and run inside. Her things are gone. I pack my stuff and storm out the door.
His eyes follow me as I stride around his car and slip inside.
“I’m sorry, man,” he says as he gets a glimpse of my face.
“That’s okay,” I say, my voice dry.
“You think she’s waiting at your home?”
A bitter smile creeps up my face.
“I doubt it.”
A couple of hours later, we pull in front of her house. I step out of Braxton’s car.
“Are you gonna be okay?”
“Yeah. Thanks, man.”
He spins around and drives away. I check my car. The keys are in the ignition. Her house is sunken in darkness. I park my car in my garage and walk to her house. The door is not locked, and for a moment a glimmer of hope shines in my heart. I search the rooms and then I enter the bedroom. A few pieces of clothing and hangers are scattered all over the bed. Her closet is half empty.
My hands pull into fists.
Livid, I walk to my house. I call her again and again until I finally understand. This is a completely new battle, one I have very little chances of winning. I snatch a scotch bottle from the bar and lock myself in my room. I put my headphones on, turn the music on and start mixing and drinking and then I do more mixing... until I finally shut my brain down and kill my pain.
VIOLET
“Are you fucking serious? Jagger Parker?”
“Yes.”
“Are you fucking his hot ass?”
I sort of nod and brush tears away.
Liv’s eyes swim with surprise.
“Jesus Violet! What if you’re wrong?”
“I’m not wrong,” I say, my voice drowning in tears.
She wraps her robe around her body, sinks into the couch and pulls a blanket over her legs.
“I’m sorry... It’s really late. You want to go back to sleep?”
“No, no. Don’t worry. I’m a night owl anyway.”
“I appreciate you letting me crash here. I’ll go back home on Monday... I just didn’t want to see him right now.”
“Why?”
“I can’t. I know what I’ve done, but I don’t see any other way.”
“You may be wrong.”
“Even if I am, there will be another woman. When I saw that girl, beaming with love for him, I realized there’s no place for me in his life.”
“You don’t know if it was love.”
“I know what I saw.”
“You saw what you expected to see. If what you say is true, why isn’t he with her?”
“I’m not saying he doesn’t have feelings for me, but he doesn’t know what’s at stake. He’s too young to understand that someone like her means a lot more than me. He needs his heart for the woman who will give him everything.”
“I think you’re wrong.”
“I may be, but I don’t want to mess with his life.”
“I think you already did, and now you’re pulling back like a coward.”
We lock eyes for a moment. I don’t know what to say.
“I’m saying it with all my love. I think you’re scared,” she says.
“I didn’t say I’m not.”
“I think you were frightened from the get-go. You felt bad and guilty, and you looked for all sorts of reasons to make it hard for him and you. Because he’s young and hot and the sex is out of this world, and because he’s not like the other men. Because you think you don’t deserve him and you can choose for him. You're resenting yourself for feeling what you feel and for being
who you are. I think you have a long way to go, Violet. You haven’t even started to change your life. Divorcing was one thing, moving on your own was the other, but overall, it did nothing for your heart and your mind.”
She pauses for a moment, and I let out a long exhale.
“Letting him in your bed was a step in the right direction, but it wasn’t enough to shatter the monster of guilt that lives in your heart. It merely shone a light on it. And it’s sad because guys like him, with guts and heart, are rare. You want me to give you an example of how real life is? You want me to dish on my last date? You want to know how he fucked me for ten minutes and then plopped on the couch and played games on his phone for a full hour?”
“I’m sorry,” I murmur.
“You think you had it hard with the kind of man your family chose for you. I met men in bars, and I met them in libraries. Some looked like jocks, some looked like nerds, and some looked like space cadets. Most don’t know shit about pleasuring a woman, and even less about love. They couldn’t find their asses with both hands even if it caught on fire, let alone be intimate with someone. It’s like asking a monkey to do origami. It would do it, all right, but don’t expect more than paper balls. What the hell is wrong with you?”
By the time she finishes, her voice brims with frustration.
“You know it’s not that simple.”
“You complicate it, Violet. The sort of thing you two have, it’s not common. It needs fighting and compromise and selfishness to survive. Who cares if you have him a week, a month or your whole life? Who cares if another girl thinks she loves him? It’s about who he loves. You’re going to have an uphill battle if this thing ever goes beyond the hot hookup it is right now. How can you fight for him, if you run away every time you encounter an obstacle, gripped by stupid guilt?”
“Maybe I should go, now,” I say, half-jokingly, and her eyes soften.
“I’m sorry. I’m not really mad... I mean I am, but not at you... This is why it’s better to sort this shit out early. Crawl before you walk... You know? So you don’t have to learn from bigger mistakes, the ones you make with things that matter.”
She curls her hands around her cup of tea, while I stare at mine for a few moments.
“What would you do if you were in my place?” I ask.
“I’d stake a claim on him.”
“I don’t know how to do that.”
“Oh... I think you know a lot more than you give yourself credit for. He wouldn’t have lost his head over you had you been some ditzy head or soulless woman or bad lay.”
A few moments of silence sneak by.
“Fucking Jagger Parker... Who would’ve thought?” she says, her eyes, like mine, harboring sadness.
4
VIOLET
It’s Monday morning, and people swarm the building. The elevators are packed.
I arrive at the office earlier than usual. I didn’t sleep much last night. The black, short-sleeved dress that usually falls perfectly on my body fits loose on me today.
I turn my phone on, walk behind my desk, and take a seat. Absently, I open my laptop while glancing at the phone screen. There are no calls or messages from him.
Not since Friday night.
The hours pass by, and by the time lunch time rolls in, I’m washed with a sickening feeling.
Liv peeks inside.
“Are you going out for lunch?” she asks.
“No, I don’t think so.”
She nears the desk.
“Have you talked to him?” she asks with a lower voice.
I shake my head.
“I haven’t seen him,” I murmur.
“Have you looked for him?”
“No.”
She rolls her eyes, exasperation setting on her face.
“Do you even know if he’s here?”
“No, I don’t. But if he is and he doesn’t want to see me, then what’s the point?”
“Ugh!!! Why would he come to see you?”
“I guess you have a point, but I can’t make myself go in the IT Department and check for him,” I say raising one hand and pointing with the other at my trembling fingers.
She spins around and strolls away. A few minutes later, her footsteps rush across the corridor.
She storms in.
“He didn’t show up for work, and he didn’t call in,” she says in one breath.
I scoop up the phone and dial his number. Once. Twice. Several times. I let the phone roll on the desk.
“So?”
“He didn’t answer. Maybe he didn’t come back. Maybe he’s still at his friend’s estate, or at the beach home,” I murmur.
Her eyebrows shoot up, her eyes darkening.
Without waiting for her to chide me again, I snatch my purse and my phone.
“Tell Jonas I had a family emergency,” I say and slip out the door.
One hour later, I pull the car in front of my house. His car is no longer where I left it. I strut across the lawn, and head to the main door. I ring the bell and then knock.
“Jagger?”
I rap again and peek through the glass. Something lies in the middle of the foyer. It looks like his backpack. I go around the house. The French doors are wide open.
I walk in.
“Jagger?”
The house is quiet. Clothing is scattered all over the floor. Shards of glass crunch beneath my heels. A bad feeling creeps up on me. I edge to his door and slowly push it open, afraid of what I might find.
The shades are closed, and the room is dark, the only light coming from the computer screen. Sprawled on his bed, he’s lying face down, shirtless, wearing only a pair of jeans.
“Jagger?” I call him.
He doesn’t respond, and my chest tightens.
I kneel next to him.
“Jagger?”
He breathes softly, his eyelids twitching. I run my fingers through his hair.
“Baby?”
I trail my fingertips down his face, and then I slide my lips over his, a scent of scotch entering my nostrils.
“Hmm?”
He groans, his voice hoarse.
“Open your eyes, baby.”
He slowly slides them open.
His eyelids are heavy, his eyes congested. An empty gaze sweeps my face.
“Why are you here?” he slurs, looking through me.
“Let’s go to my place,” I say, my voice breaking.
“Why are you crying?” he asks.
I take his face in my hands.
“Come on, Jagger...”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Please.”
“Leave me alone!” he shouts, awareness coming into his eyes.
“Okay...” I murmur.
Reluctantly, I stand up.
I wait a few moments, and then I head to the door. His hand curls around my ankle. I pivot, trying to regain my balance, and my knees hit the mattress.
He rolls to his back and slowly pushes up to his elbow.
He looks at me, deeply hurt.
Why do I keep doing this to him? And me?
I slip my hands under his arms and try to pull him up, but he’s too heavy for me and unwilling to help. I crash on top of him and push him against the wall.
His cloudy eyes roll over me. He brings his hand to my face, brushes my hair away and wipes off a stray tear.
“I don’t want your mercy, Violet.”
“It’s not mercy...” I say, tasting my tears.
“It is. You only come to me after you hurt me. That’s the only way you’re not afraid of me...” he murmurs, and I bury my face in his chest.
His arms curl around me.
“Where were you?” he asks, his fingers gently stroking my hair.
“Liv’s place.”
“Why’d you run?”
“That girl...”
“Braxton’s sister.”
I sit upright.
“Diana,” he says, his fingers slowly rolling down my face.
“She’s in love with you...”
A small smile plays on his lips.
“She’s not the only woman in love with me.”
“I thought you were gonna say that... but you didn’t mind it, though...”
“It was stupid. I have shit to learn as well...” he says. “Why would you be afraid of her?”
“For a moment... as you two were hugging in the sunset I imagined your life with someone like her. She’s young and beautiful and rich, and by the look in her eyes, she adores you. She’d want to get married and have kids. That’s not a bad life, you know?”
He slowly tilts his head to the side.